Ugh...

Here I am, three weeks after my last post, and here is what I have to report:  I had ANOTHER period that started just 16 days after the last one.  I've only lost maybe a pound and a half in the past 3 weeks, and I'm desperately trying to deal with the frustration.  It isn't easy, but I'm managing.

I added in P90X to my workout routine, so I am building muscle as well.  I've also been reading the forums at Livestrong.com and I have decided that I think I actually need to eat a bit MORE than I have been.  Really maybe there is something to the idea that the body holds onto fat if you aren't replacing the calories you are burning--the whole starvation mode theory.  So I've decided to do my best to stay as close as humanly possible to the target calorie goals on the site--including eating my exercise calories. 

I also decided TODAY to start adding some dairy back in.  I plan to have at least one glass of skim milk a day and to add in some greek yogurt and not 100% avoid cheese, just 98%.  We'll see what happens...

Dang it, I'm not going to get frustrated. I am going to make this work!!!!

Pictures Update

Well, I was right yesterday--I maintained my weight.  I can't be too disappointed in that, so I decided I was due for a picture update:

 

 Gonna have to take a look and see what the last month or so has accomplished....

It's Not Been A Good Week

This past week has NOT been a very good one for me mentally and physically.  Last Thursday was a triple whammy:  it was Remicade day, I started my period, and I drank 2 beers the night before.  All of those things inevitably make me gain weight, and true to form, by Friday morning I was up 3 pounds.  Mind you, I did not go over 1500 calories a single day, I kept away from dairy, sugar and white flour, and I walked 4-5 miles each day for 5 of the 7 day week.  I knew it would happen with the Remicade and all, but that fact did NOT make things any easier.

Now let's add on a couple other big obstacles--my brother got married on Friday and we went out to dinner afterward.  Oh, and my dad was in town and we went out to lunch as well.  We did Chinese for lunch and I got shrimp with vegetables in white sauce.  I wiped off as much of the sauce as I could, but of course I did eat some, but I accounted for that when logging calories.  I had Ahi Tuna for dinner with zucchini, and while I asked for the dressing on the side of my salad, it did come with the dressing on it.  So I drank 2 glasses of wine and ate one calamari ring, ate the salad with the dressing (picked off the cheese and croutons), ahi tuna and zucchini, and I ate a bite or two of the carrot cake and the chocolate cake people ordered for dessert.  So I did not stick to plan entirely, but I practiced a lot of restraint.  And considering the level of control I had the rest of the week, one would think a day wouldn't matter.

And then on Saturday my friend Veronica had her housewarming party.  I drank WAAAAY too much vodka that night and ended up getting sick a bunch of times that night.  But in terms of food while I was there, I only ate a few pieces of broccoli and a couple of meatballs. 

But even with the vicious hangover I still managed to stay under 1500 calories on Sunday.  Yet here I am on Monday and I am still up a pound from official weigh in day last week.  Tomorrow is official weigh in day and the only hope I have is to have stayed even because there is no way I will have lost.  It is so discouraging--but I have no choice but the power on.  There is no way I will lose weight by giving up so I can't do that, but DAMN am I frustrated.

Monday Monday

So here we are on Monday, day two of cutting out nearly everything white from my diet--white flour, sugar, dairy.  Even though I have adjusted to lower calories, the pangs and cravings for the simple carbs are pretty strong.  It isn't going to be easy--but I am determined to do it in order to see the results. 

Strength, I need strength.  I can do it.  I'm sure I will believe it if I keep saying it.  Or just look at those pictures I posted yesterday.  Yikes--I HATE looking like that.  Not gonna be that anymore. 

On the plus side, I did a 4 mile walk this morning and jogged for about 8 minutes of it.  It wasn't a huge amount, but it was a huge step in the right direction for me.  Keep on keepin' on!

My Personal 30-in-60 Challenge

Alright, I have lived through 3 1/2 weeks without dairy (well, for the most part--I'm sure somethings snuck in) and nearly as long walking for an hour almost every day, I've only lost 6 pounds.  Now mind you, 6 pounds isn't "nothing", that's for sure.  But it is 6 pounds that I gained in like a month and it is taking much longer and much more work to get it off.  I have logged anywhere from 3-5 miles/day on all but 2 of the last 14 days, kept my calorie intake to 1300-1700 daily with the exception of one or two days, and still I can't get decent progress.  So I am now challenging myself to lose 30 pounds in 60 days.  It is a lot, but it isn't unreasonable.

Now mind you, those 60 days include both Thanksgiving and Christmas which throws a big monkey wrench into the plan, but dang it, I am determined to do this, regardless of the challenges.  So here I go...

I am using MyPlate on livestrong.org to log my food and exercise.  It is a great tool and is very helpful.  But on top of that, this is the diet plan I am keeping myself to:

Breakfasts will be one of the following:

• Oatmeal
• Eggs (either 2 eggs or 1 egg and 2 pieces of turkey bacon)
• Trader Joe's Organic Flax cereal with almond milk

Lunches and dinners will be more flexible, but in general will consist of lean protein, veggies, and whole grain carbs (brown rice, whole grain breads) and maybe some good fats

For snacks, I will have soy yogurt, raw nuts, maybe a piece of fruit, and maybe a slice of whole grain bread with peanut butter.

I plan to stick around 1200 calories consumed while still walking 4-5 miles a day.

All I have to say is, if I DON'T lose a decent amount of weight on this plan, then there is something REALLY wrong with my body....

Oh yeah, and here pics pre-plan....

Move it, move it!

I'm walkin' man, I'm walkin'!

I've started walking regularly and I've discovered that I really love it.  My Sirius radio and I are best friends as I cruise around the neighborhood--I completely lose myself in the music and my thoughts and it is downright therapeutic.  I love love LOVE that time.  100% me time, no interruptions.  Love that.

I have also changed the way I eat.  I am going to change this body--nothing and no one can do that but me, and I'm going to do it.  I really really REALLY want to start taking ballroom dance, but I refuse to start when I am so overweight and out of shape.  So I'm forcing myself to do it, regardless of how hard it is.  Losing weight is so hard for me and I've always ended up giving up.  Well, that is over.  It has to be--nothing will change if I don't do it.

So I'm off.  Wish me luck.

Finding Courage

I'm the first to admit, I have never been very brave.  I am not very good at standing up for myself, and I rarely follow through on my ambitions.  I have always sort of felt that I just wasn't good enough, or else I was afraid to fail, so I just didn't try.

Wow, my son is just like me.  Scary when you realize such things.

So I really need to figure out how to find the courage to do the things I want to do.  I need to stop making excuses, stop putting things off, stop--existing.  I need to live, to feel, to be something I am proud of.  And right now I am SO not proud of any part of who I am.

The only way to get there is to work hard, so here I go.  I've been eating better and exercising for a week and a half and have lost 6 pounds so far.  I have a LOT more to go, but I am, for once, determined to make it work.  I desperately want to actually, FINALLY start ballroom dance classes, but I keep making the excuses as to why I haven't done it.  And mostly it's because I'm embarrassed at how bad I look.  So I have given myself a goal of losing as much as I can by the end of the year and starting in January.  I will keep losing, but I think it will be good to make that my reward for making progress.

Pretty boring blog, but that is where I am today.  More to come later.

See? I told you this would happen

As predicted, I blogged twice and quit.  Well, I didn't quit, obviously, because here I am.  But I just let it sit, neglected and in need of new content. I could beat myself up for that, or I could pat myself on the back for being here now.  I think I'll do that.  *pat pat pat*

It's not like I've been doing nothing.  Things have been going on:

• I'm in charge of the big fundraiser of the year for my daughter's school.  It is taking place tomorrow.  I've worked hard on it, so I'm hopeful that it will be a big success.
• I found out that my doctor's office never called me with the results of a thyroid ultrasound I had in July.  I have a relatively large nodule on my thyroid that had to be biopsied.  Thankfully it is benign--but I wasn't too thrilled with the 3 month delay in getting results.
• My sister came to visit a couple weekends ago.  It was really nice to have her here for a visit.
• I volunteer all the freaking time at my kids' schools.  I swear I deserve a paycheck.

Oh, there is more, but I won't itemize everything right now.  I just wanted to get back into doing this, to make it a habit that I partake in regularly.  I so love writing and I so miss it.  I really really REALLY want it to become a staple in my life again.  So here I go--again!

I'll be back tomorrow.  Or the day after.  Or whenever I get here...But I WILL be back!!!! :)

Wasting Money, Wasting Time

I sat down and reviewed our budget the other day.  I was getting annoyed with the fact that we were having a credit card balance every month that was causing us to not be able to save as much as we should.  Over the past couple of years, we have paid off several items, lowered monthly payments on many things, got out of a lot of debt.  Yet here we are, spending ourselves broke each month.  It was time to check in and see what was up.

After accounting for EVERY expense--including children's allowances, $850 that currently goes to savings and allotting $450/mo for "miscellaneous" each month, we SHOULD have....drumroll please...$1800 a month extra.  Eighteen HUNDRED dollars every month!  That is very nearly a third of our monthly income, and we have been literally frittering it away.  Wow.  WOW!!!!

I have been a die hard Suze Orman devotee for several years now.  Following her advice, I managed to get us out of almost $20,000 worth of unsecured debt, paid off two cars, and set us in a much more comfortable life position.  Quite clearly, however, we've gotten quite a ways away from towing the Suze line.  And it's fairly embarrassing to realize how much money we've wasted over the past couple of years.

So we're back on the budget very tightly.  We're saving more, spending cash only for "extras", and we have every expense accounted for.  I hope we can stick to it.

On recent episodes Suze has drawn the comparison between being out of control with money and gaining weight.  Well, I gain weight at the drop of a hat and always have.  But I HAVE gained a pretty significant amount of weight while I've let the money situation get out of control.

So here's my challenge to myself--I've been back in Weight Watchers (for the gajillionth time) for two weeks and I've lost 6 pounds.  I'm daring myself to lose weight at the same rate that I save money.  Even if you've never met me, wish me luck--I am SO going to need it!

To Art or Not To Art

I've always been pretty convinced that I don't have an artistic bone in my body.  There was a brief period during my senior year in high school when I thought I had a smidge of talent.  Doing pencil recreations of the bones of the hand turned out beautifully, and a clay model of a book with a bookworm sticking out of it was widely praised by my art teacher.  But nothing ever went past that.  I didn't have the passion for it, so I guess I just assumed that no passion meant no talent.  Wow, that seems to be a major theme in my life, huh?

My girlfriends were having an "art party" the other evening, creating original art to hang in their homes.  I went over to join them, expecting to do have a few drinks and gush over their masterpieces.  That is exactly what happened--for about an hour or so.  But they weren't quite satisfied with that.  Oh no.  They were convinced that I had something creative to express.  Ugh, alright, sure girls.  Just make sure you give me a very small canvas so as to no waste TOO much money when I make a giant mess...

So there it was.  A blank white 12x12 canvas and paper plates with brown, black, white, burnt sienna, something snotty and greenish.  Oh what the hell says I, just go for it!

Oh My God!  I love that!
That is awesome!
Here, I want to you to do something similar on the bigger canvas to hang in my guest bathroom in the new house!

Excuse me girls?  It's me, Stacey, the anti-artsy one of the group.  You remember me, right?  I'm really not that good...

Oh, stop beating yourself up and see that what you made is really pretty.  Accept that you did really well.  Accept a complement, for heaven's sake!

That is a very difficult thing for me to do--accept a complement.  It always feels selfish to "toot my own horn" so to speak.  I imagine that is why there is a lack of strong passion for much of anything--always the desire to just blend in.  Don't bring the spotlight on yourself.  I imagine that harkens back to some difficult times in my youth, but we'll save that discussion for another post.

Anyway, I decided to just say "thank you" to my girlies and accept that what I made was actually kinda pretty.

What do you think?

Redefining Me

Wow, here I am again, attempting to start a blog. This must be...what...the 10th time I've started over the past 10 years? Each time I go enthusiastically for a week or so---and then I fizzle out. Wonder how long I'll last this time...

...But just in case I stick with it, here I go. I read and/or follow lots and lots of successful blogs--The Pioneer Woman Cooks, Cake Wrecks, I'm a Lazy Mom, just to name a few--all of which evoke interest, laughter, thought. And they all have one thing in common--each of the women who write them found a niche, an area where they excel, a topic that others can relate to.

Thing is, I don't have a niche. There's nothing terribly special about me or my life. I'm not really passionate about a single topic, although I do have passionate opinions across many topics. Let's brainstorm here:

• I'm a passionately moderate person. Passionately moderate? Isn't that an oxymoron? I don't think so. Think Jon Stewart--I find those who are radically on any single end of the political spectrum to be out of touch, selfish, and willing to turn a blind eye to the glaringly obvious hypocrisy they all preach. Meeting in the middle, coming to compromises, thinking about others before yourself. That, for me, is the foundation for my belief system.
  
• Along the same line, I cannot STAND overindulged children and the parents that made them that way. We all know them--the ones who are absolutely convinced that the entire world thinks their kid is as cute as they think. The ones who let their kids run wild in restaurants, buy them everything under the planet the moment it is on the market, who flatly refuse to believe that their "baby" could ever do anything wrong. Get over yourself people--you are raising monsters. Kids need to be taught to fit into their world, not to expect that the world will revolve around them.
• I'm passionately apathetic about exercise. OK, that one actually IS an oxymoron--it's not really possible to fiercely not care about something. But that's the best way I can think to describe my attitude toward exercise. I really really REALLY just hate to make the time for it. Sure I feel better after doing it, but I can always find something that seems more important or interesting to do. Walk, walk, walk...ooh look! A cute little bunny!
• I very passionately miss working and using my brain. I've made the active choice to be a stay-at-home mother the vast majority of the past 10 years since I had my first child. I've worked either full or part time probably four of those years. Right now I soooo badly want to get back into working, and not just working a "job" to earn a few extra bucks. I want a career, something I can throw myself into and feel as though I am really accomplishing something. But at this point, it has to remain on hold for at least another year or two until my kids are a tad older and can maybe be left alone for an hour or so after school some days. So I wait and twiddle my thumbs...

Oh there is more, but I've got to save something for the next time I'm going to write--you know, tomorrow. Or not. I guess we'll see if I actually stick with it this time.